As someone with a back up plan for every backup plan I already had, I could have never planned or prepared myself for where I have found myself today.
I am surrounded by blessings, seen and unseen, and showered daily with God’s mercy, but yet,
I’m devastated. I am devastated that the plans and dreams aren’t going like I’ve worked so hard for them to go.
I’m angry and drowning in my own guilt. Angry because the selfish human in me refuses to accept that this is my new reality and I am guilt ridden because I am a fixer, but I cannot fix this.
Guilty for so many reasons, for the pain and burden of my own circumstances, and how they are flooding over and into the lives of all of those I love. My problems, my consequences are changing their lives forever as well.
Guilty for bringing this sweet child (intentionally or not, this happened because of something that I was exposed to) into this world who will have to work so hard just to be.
He will have to fight for his life just to achieve and maintain everything that everyone else takes for granted. Yes, everything and everyone.
Guilty at how this will affect his older brother. What will have to give sacrifice? He didn’t ask for this.
I’m suffocating. Suffocating by the overwhelming feeling/need to manage all the responsibilities perfectly and still maintain my sanity.
I’m consumed. I am consumed with grief. Grief over a life lost, over expectations lost, dreams lost.
Daily, sometimes hourly I am reminded of all the expectations lost.(FUTURE POST) There is just as much out there, in the world, as there is right here in my own home, that constantly reminds me how different my life is from where I always thought it would be. EVERY time that realization occurs, it’s like having air sucked right out of my lungs.
Grief eats away at every little bit of hope for today and faith about tomorrow I manage to gain.
Cheated, misled, lost, alone, scared, imprisoned, I could go on and on with words that describe how I feel. Not all are so piercing to the heart to think about. I can look back and see where God was leading me here. I can see time when he was trying to get me to understand and he was preparing me for this journey. He’s been here the whole time, but sometimes, I’m not so eager to listen.
I hope I can find purpose in writing about the ugly truths that can arise from the burdens of my grief. Again, not all my truths are ugly, but those are not the ones I’m afraid to talk about either. I eager to testify about all the moments of mercy and grace that God has shown to me.(FUTURE POST)
Having a child with special needs that make him or her medically fragile, is something I’m sure no one would ever ask for. No one asked me for damn sure. (FUTURE POST) I have to have faith that God is preparing me for a greater purpose…preparing me for something in which I could never have prepared myself?(FUTURE POST)
As I continue to search for direction and to share my journey, I hope to be able to express my most raw of feelings.
Sometimes, out of the human mind, so confounded with grief, realizations can be harsh and scary to imagine for even for that of a grieving mind, but yet, still be painfully true. These are my confessions. These are my truths. – Casey Adams