In 2014 I opened this blog to help me through the challenges I faced mentally, as I coped with the changes recently after our youngest son was born. We had no idea until he was born, that he would be so sick. A piece of me died that day and many, many more pieces in the days and months that followed. You can read about his diagnosis here.
Lost, alone, and broken, I feel deeper and deeper into a “pit of Hell.” The darkness took over the light that once was so bright inside of me.
Gone were the dreams I’d once held; the vision of the life I’d worked so hard to build was destroyed. What was I to do now?
I struggled severely with depression, anxiety, guilt, shame and grief that nearly cost me everything.
Today, equipped with so many more lessons and more knowledge and more wine… I hated to delete what started it all. I didn’t continue the blog past a few posts, but it was the start for me personally that had shaped who I am today.
The dreams and passions stored within hearts are powerful keys which can unlock a wealth of potential. – John C. Maxwell
If you are struggling with grief or depression, know that you are not alone. There is joy left in this world for you and you are capable of finding it again.
Well, I could have never imagined myself here…writing, laying all of myself out there for the world to see. I don’t claim to be a person capable of writing well. At times, I find it difficult to correctly portray my feelings through written words, no matter how cohesive and well organized they may be. I tend to rely more on my tone, my body language, and expression to get my point across and unfortunately, I don’t have that advantage here.
I can promise you I’m not perfect when using grammar and there may be many times that you will have absolutely no idea what in the hell I’m talking about. I can also promise you, that most likely, will not be your fault.
I am not here to try to write stories that will captivate and move you to change everything you think or so that I can pretend to be someone I’m not.
If my stories do captivate you, great. If they give you something greater to think about, wonderful.
This writing thing, will be hard for me. It will be hard for me to find the time to write. Who does has the time? It will be hard for me to put my true feelings out there.
Sometimes, they may be misguided, harsh, and downright ugly. Sometimes, I may be very ashamed of how I feel about something and scared about how the world will react, but there’s no point in this journey if I’m not true to my self, there is no point, if I’m not writing honestly.
My writing begins with my grief, but my story does not. While grief is what has brought me here, my story is filled with testimony after testimony of God’s love, God’s grace and mercy, God’s assurance that my journey, is for a greater purpose.
I am blessed beyond measure, and I have so very much to be thankful about. The devil may have brought me to my knees, but there’s no better position to pray.
I have seen where the darkness can take you, the ugliness the darkness brings about and how it can take you over time and time again.
Yet, I have also seen mercy and blessings from God that are unexplainable, indescribable.
I have seen the pure joy and felt the true peace that only God can provide.
In my darkest of days, I’ll still be here to give praise about God’s redeeming love and grace.
My life has brought me to place where I feel that writing will help me; help me work out the anger, the depression, the frustrations, the guilt, the grief that is in my heart. I hope writing will lead me to others that are fighting this same war inside themselves everyday. I hope my writing will find others because they are not alone. I hope my stories will help others and help me in the fight to hang on and the fight to let go.
Check out some of my favorite tools that helped me through my grief and depression over at The Well.
You can read more of my story here
To everyone who has encouraged me to continue to write, thank you.
I want to start an honest conversation about mental illness and motherhood. I hear about one or the other but not in relation. So much of what I’ve been through has affected my children and I feel like that’s such a taboo idea that it’s not something I can talk to just anyone about. I want to change that.
Have You ever battled grief and/or depression?
Still struggling to find your way?
How has it affected your ability to parent?