I have struggled so much accepting what my children mean to each other since my youngest son was born. Kolt’s needs and circumstances most often take the forefront, always causing Kash to have to wait.
I so often feel like so many of Kash’s experiences are stolen by Kolt’s needs. Truth be told, I feel like Kolt’s needs have stolen nearly everything. Dreams, relationships, time, experiences, freedoms….the list goes on, but that’s another story. Being such a young child, it’s understandably difficult for Kash to constantly
be told “No, we can’t got the park because Brother…..,” “No, we can’t go see a movie because Brother…..”
To constantly be told “Wait, Kash. I have to finish Brother’s….” “Hold on Kash, Brother isn’t done…..” ” Kash, please……until Brother…..”
“Kash, momma won’t be home today because I have to take Brother to the doctor.”
I do my best not to use Kolt as the reason for my answers but Kash is old enough now so he knows the truth.
One could imagine how this would- will-has affected Kash as a person. Self esteem, self love, worth, self image, relations…. Yet another topic for another day.
Kash and Kolt basically had no bond or relationship up until just recently, and even now they don’t pay each other much mind unless one gets in the other’s space. No brotherly love…or hate. Just co existing.
Kash often gets upset because he has noone to play with and “wishes Kolt was a real kid.”
Heartbreaking for me to hear, especially since I had them 19 months apart specifically so they’d have each other.
I spent the entire time while I was pregnant with Kolt daydreaming of what my two boys would look like together. I imagined them as they played together in the living room floor. I imagined them running across the yard hand in hand.
It warmed my heart to think about the lifelong bond they would form, unbreakable and undeniable.
I thought about the fights they would have and how they’d go to bed mad at each other, only to find themselves giggling over their favorite silly cartoon the next morning.
I thought about how they would change and grow, both together and apart as they transitioned through the school years.
I wondered who would morph into the “keeper” role while the other tested hot waters during their college days. I could see us there, in a family photo, years from now, sitting with their own families by their sides; babies in arms and toddlers almost their laps.
These are the moments for which I long.
20 month old Kash, kisses his baby brother.
Kolt, born with CHARGE Syndrome is going to need lots of attention.
This journey has been treacherous, the expectations at times unbearable. Parenting is difficult enough, without adding in the complexities of a special needs family. However, every once in awhile, I’ll see those moments I used to dream about, happen between these two brothers. They are rare. Just as their pasts have highly contrasted what I had envisioned in my mind, I’m sure so will their futures.
Today I dream of a boy, conquering the world, HIS world. Overcoming so much, believing he’s only here to enjoy the sunshine.
I see a brother who can be empathetic to the suffering around him and show unbiased compassion. A boy turned man capable of yielding to his own desires and understands just how important his contribution can be. A brother unafraid to fight fiercely for what he holds dear and yet believing in the power of mercy and it’s ability to mold hearts.
It is funny how God is capable of molding our hearts; molding them to fit his agenda. Molding them to look like something we could have never imagined.
How has God molded your heart? What desires or passions or dreams or values do you hold today that you never could have imagined you hold dear?