“For every tear I have shed in pain, in fear, in grief; every tear in frustration, and guilt, I will shed 1000 times more in JOY….”
I can feel his heart beating against mine. I feel the rise and the fall of his chest as his breaths mirror my own. I can see his tiny feet poking out from beneath his blanket. His body is completely relaxed and at nearly four years old, his 28 pounds feels heavy against me.
He is so tiny yet he seems so big from where he came, from where he started. I can feel different pieces of him twitch and I see his eyelashes as they flicker. He is dreaming. I pray he is dreaming of warm snuggles, loving hugs, his favorite toys, his favorite people. I can imagine all the things that make him smile.
Those are the things I hope he is dreaming of tonight. Not the needles, and surgeries, and cleanings and button changes.
I run my fingers through his absurdly soft, brown hair. It radiates with a touch golden shine and I’m reminded of his eyes. I would say they have the same beautiful attributes. His hands still look like those of a newborn; pudgy, with a dimple atop each knuckle. One hand is slightly nudged under his sweet little rounded face, causing his cheeks to smush upward and together while giving a small pucker to his lips.
I listen to each of his breaths, as he breathes in, and he breathes out. I close my eyes and inhale deeply, as I try to take all of him in; all of his smells, all of his warmth, his heaviness, all of his sounds. My hand grazes his back and he shudders, my heart skips as I look down to see that eyes have remained closed but the corner of his mouth is turned up ever so slightly into a grin. It must have tickled.
This is my happy place. Here with my son asleep on my chest. This is a moment I have dreamed of having, since before he was born. The moment that has for song very long, eluded me. Here, I can close my eyes and daydream forever.
I’ve spent many months trying to figure how to love “on” Kolt. He was so not like the typical baby and how someone would assume to comfort a baby. He wouldn’t let you hold him or rock him. You can get an idea here in this post.
He was somewhere around 7 months old before I could manage to hold him while he was asleep. If he ever stirred, it was over. We gradually worked it up from there. By nine months, I remember him actually falling asleep in my arms.
I know at around 2 years old he still had to be carried like an infant, but he was the size of a 9 month old so it worked out ok. He began sitting up on your shoulder somewhere around the 3 year mark and was more or less 4 years old before he would sit up on your hip to be carried.
There were varying reasons for this situation with Kolt. One thing, was the fact that he had no understanding of danger or falling, so he wouldn’t hold onto you. Actually carrying him any other way than football style was sometimes difficult because he often times would arch his back and flail around abruptly in your arms .
One of the other issues for him, was that Kolt didn’t like to touch or be touched. So no skin on skin touching. No patting or rubbing or caressing or snuggles. Imagine having a baby that you can’t touch. So in this evening when he actually fell asleep on my chest, I was bewitched.
Scrolling through photos of Kolt, it’s a vivid reminder, as nearly all of the photos of him are of him alone, laying down.
It is hard not to recount where we have been. The day he was born and I found out something wasn’t right. The early times when I had so little answers. Those days when I wondered if he would ever leave the hospital, the long nights when I doubted myself and my ability to just keep him alive.
The countless surgeries and therapies to help him grow and be healthy. The never ending appointments and all those moments when I wondered if he could even hear me. Could he even see me? Does he even know who I am? Does he know that I’ll always be here for him?
With time, and at his own pace, he has already shown me how capable he is to move about this world and meet his objectives. When he can’t do something, it’s in, even if it isn’t the typical way to do it or it takes 3 times the effort. He has shown me true unconditional love. No matter what I ask of him, or put him through, he loves me still. I do not take his love for granted. When I walk into the room, and he looks up at me, when he smiles, when he reaches his arms up for me, I know there was a time I wondered if these simple events would ever come to pass.
I am so grateful to have been given the time I needed. I am grateful that God has given Kolt the time “I” needed. I have gained growth and invaluable knowledge in our experience, however painful it has been, that I would have otherwise never known.
For every tear I have shed in pain, in fear, in grief, every tear in frustration, guilt, shame, I will shed 1000 times more in JOY, I will shed in grace of God’s strong hand in my life; thankful for the grace he has shown me.
God’s love is abundant for his children and I am a daughter of the KING!
These are my confessions
Catch up on “Confessions” below
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I’ve gathered a few of my favorite scriptures for when I’m feeling like I’m losing my battle. Christ’s word always always delivers and each time I look to it for guidance, I find strength within his love and promises to me.
Have you ever struggled to discern God’s grace in your life? It’s easy to feel abandoned in times of trials and hardships, but in Psalms 62: 8, it is written “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”
You have a beautiful blog. I can really feel what you are feeling when you write. Thank you for sharing your story. Love to you. 💙
Oh well thank you so very much. I’m so new to blogging but I really hope to bring value and insight for others who are suffering. ❤